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Diary

Februrary 2022

Website made by Kokoro


February 1st

I think I have attachment issues. I seem to get attached to one person I really like, and I want to spend everyday with them. If I don't spend time with them, I feel left out... and I feel jealous of the people my friend spends time with. That's what I told my friend. I was looking stressed, so she said: "Sit down! Tell me." So I did. 別に毎日会わなくてもいいのかも。友達ってのは、何年も離れてもまだ友達だもん。僕もそういった友達はいっぱいいる。ただ、 オンラインだと友達が増えすぎちゃうからね。返事が全然来なくても大丈夫。また In-person で会う時が来たら、仲良しだし。 要するには、たぶん僕は、抱かれたいんだね…

February 3rd

友達って何?一緒にいるとどういう感情になるはずなの?一人で死ぬのは嫌だよ。でも、今、疲れてる。友達を好きになってでも、ああ 友達は僕よりあの子ともっといっぱい時間過ごしてる。じゃあ僕は君にとって何?都合いいときに遊ぶ人? 僕は君の支えになってるのだろうか。 それとも僕をかわいそうだと思って一緒にいるの? ねえ僕のこと好き?教えてよ。 僕はいつも一緒じゃなきゃ嫌なのかな。 いつも一緒にいて、安心できる友達が欲しいよ。 心臓が痛いよ。 「あざになるくらい。」ZUTOMAYO の歌詞だよ、これ。 友達と一緒にいるとき、僕はどういう感情を持つはずなの?あれ?もっと楽しいはずだよね?なんでエネルギーが切れちゃうの?なんで こんなに難しいの?難しいのは嫌だよ。もっと楽しく友達と時間を過ごしたいよ。ねえねえやめてよ。僕の心臓が傷ついちゃう。I want to be an extrovert. "What am i supposed to be feeling?" is the dumbest thing I have ever said. Well, maybe not the dumbest, but it's up there. 誰か一人だけに熱中しちゃうのはなぜ? I don't get it. As a bisexual, I'm confused. I want a best friend. でも親友になるくらいなら付き合っちゃわない?何だこれ。 僕はどうしてこんな感情を抱えてるんだろう。こんなに痛いはずなの?他のみんなはこの感情を抱えてないの?ねえ教えてよ。世界の中で この感情を感じてるのは僕だけなはずないよ。僕は何をすればいいの?

Jealousy と greed はもう飽きた。友達と時間を過ごすときに、嬉しくなる方法を教えてよ。

I know he cares about me. Yeah, I've already asked that question over and over again with another guy. I know he cares about me. The problem is, I want more. I him to like me more, I want him to want to hang out with me just as much as he hangs out with his other friend. How do I stop being so greedy? It takes energy away from me. I probably need to be okay with not spending time with people. But... I don't want to navigate this world alone. I don't want to live alone. I want to be with a partner, too. Okay Kokoro, listen. Just because you learn to stop being greedy doesn't mean you stop liking people romantically. Instead, you'll know how to control your sadness better! Get it together Kokoro, one thing doesn't always lead to another. SGIOSEHGOISDOIGHSDOIHGOSDI STupid idiot.

Just because I stop wanting more doesn't mean I stop loving more, Kokoro...I won't forget how to love someone. Wanting someone and loving someone isn't the same thing. Right? I hope I will come to understand that better in the future.

February 4th

It's okay to feel lost sometimes. It's natural to feel sad.

February 5th

I really need to stop falling in love with people for their physical touch. Because it breaks my heart to see them be touchy with other people. Even though they love me (platonically, romantically, idk) I begin to compare their relationship with others to their relationship with mine. And it hurts. It can't be helped that they like some people more than they like others. But... I'm so greedy for their love, I want the person they like the most to be me. I... I'm tired. Emotionally. It's been really hard to appreciate my friends lately too. I'm just tired.

Your friends are important to you, Kokoro. Don't ever forget that.

Can I ask for a favor Kokoro? Please stop complicating things. It can be simple. If you want to hang out with them, do that. If you want to confess your love to them, do that. Even if it might make things awkward for them... if you gotta reject someone, do that too. I can't go on considering all the emotions of everyone I know... it makes me so so tired too. I... I'll help people when I can, but only in the immediacy. There's only so many emotions I can fit into my heart in one moment... so, if I want to worry, I'll do that only when they're around. When I am by myself, I don't have to think about anything at all. I will reclaim my energy.

February 7th

The wind feels warm and refreshing today... I like the wind brushing the puddles on the gravel, making ripples. The snow is peeling off the walls huh!

February 8th

My friend is right. The way I get attached to people, like my crushes, is really unhealthy. Going into the dining hall bathroom 3 times within 1-2 months because I saw him with his crush? Nah, that's not healthy. Like my friend said, loving someone shouldn't be all miserable. Crushing, especially, should be fun! I want to be happy when I'm around them, not miserable! Just because they're happy around other people doesn't mean they aren't happy around you. I'm sure they prefer to hang out with other people more often, but so what? I just have to find a romantic partner who will Who will take care of my feelings. So don't worry about it. Be more chill! Yeah, that's the word.

But, Kokoro, don't forget, they ARE your friends. They want to hang out with YOU. Not "sometimes." A LOT of times! They want to hang out with YOU. Cuz they like you. Be confident! Don't worry about it. Yeah!

Oh, and, be more selfish. Hang out with them because YOU want to hang out with them! It's not a top-down thing Kokoro. It's side-by-side! When it comes to friends, be selfish: you're allowed to ask them to hang out. Be more confident. Yeah! If they need a break from you, hopefully they'll tell you. When they do, give them that space! If they need your help, help them! Otherwise, when it comes to friends, be selfish.