Website made by Kokoro
So there's this Instagram account called @message.from.beyond. Recently, they posted this: an image with a person sitting by a cliff, looking at the setting sun... or it might be rising? But anyway. The text below it read "if you learn to sit with yourself, you can sit with anybody in the world."
A lot of times I get confused when I dislike someone. Obviously, when someone is hurtful, it's easy to dislike them. But what if they're not hurful? What if they're kind, they smile, they have interests and hobbies that you can relate to? But even then, I find that I'm not vibing with them. And I'm confused because it shouldn't be this hard to like someone. I try to rewrite my feelings about them. That they're cool. That they're strange and neat, in a good way. I identify all the petty reasons that might be why I don't like them. They have an accent when they speak. Overwrite that: Accents are beautiful! They're shorter than I am. So what? I'm a shortie too. They're not conventionally pretty, or they're not my type. WHO CARES (at that point I'm just so fixated on trying to figure out why I don't vibe with them that I dig up qualities I don't even care about).
After awhile, I realize that the reason I might dislike them is because they have the qualities I hate about myself. They're quiet, they're short, they aren't conventionally pretty, they have a hard time understanding jokes.
You see, I'm bad at making jokes. And when someone else makes a joke, I laugh. I like laughing. I laugh at my own jokes because I don't want people to think I am boring. But my friend, they laugh sure. But they don't laugh at a lot of jokes. That makes me anxious. I fear that people aren't going to like them. I fear that they're not appreciated. I'm frustrated that they aren't laughing like everyone else. Why aren't they laughing? Are you not afraid people won't like you? All my insecurities I try to cover up are present in them, and they don't apologize for it. They are unapologetic and authentic.
They're uncool. ダサい。But they're also authentic. I don't want authenticity to be uncool. I couldn't come to vibe with my friend's authenticity, and that's what drives me up the wall. Because that would make me a bad person. Someone who couldn't love someone else.
The thing is, authenticity IS beautiful. When you're yourself, you are beautiful. When other's don't like that authenticity, that's on them. And you don't have to care about them. No way.
I like to think I am a good person. I want to like everyone. I want people to like me. I am sunshine, cinnamon bun, innocent Kokoro.
If there's a person I don't like, I am losing. I am losing, I am mean, I am a bad person. I feel shame, I feel frustration, I am confusion. What is wrong with me?
I understand that maybe it's because my friend is unapologetic about having the qualities I am insecure about. It makes me mad to see them show it off. I don't want to be them. My insecurities are not me. I don't like that I talk quiet. I don't like that I'm not good at making jokes. I don't like myself.
I tend to think that I love myself. I am good at loving myself. But if I can't come to like this person, does that mean I actually don't like myself?
Is it really because I don't like myself that I don't vibe with my friend?
I wonder if I learn to sit with myself, I can sit with anybody in the world. I wonder what the key to loving everybody is.
OCD journal #2 I wonder whether people with OCD also get hyperfixations, much like ADHDers?
OCD journal #1 It's really hard to get dressed in the mornings. Because I'm afraid to get the order wrong. If I get the order wrong, sometimes I walk around with my sweater pulled over my head, my head hidden in the clothes, my belly showing, jumping up and down doing my compulsions. I don't think I procrastinate because I'm lazy. I think I procrastinate because I'm afraid. I mean, do you say "I procrastinate lifting my leg off the bed so I can get up and do my homework?" No. I would say "I'm afraid to lift my leg, I'm afraid to do my homework."
「世界が終わるのってゆっくりなんだね、」って口に出すのが少し怖い。まだ世界は終わってないよ。間に合わせて見せる。パンデミックと 温暖化、mitigate してみようよ。神様も手伝ってくれるからさ。