Home Diary


January 2022

Website made by Kokoro

January 31st

I think I get it now. He wasn't really being a good friend to me. Friends should look after each other. And... he kind of disappeared on me. It's not his fault; he hasn't done anything wrong. We're just... misaligned. Maybe, someday, we'll have another chance to be better friends, an unlikely pair. But right now, I realize, I was shouldering all this pain and blame by myself all this time. Because I have another two friends who make sure I know that they love me and they care for me. Someday we might become better friends. I just know that my days overthinking whether I was a good friend are over. Because I tried, I tried a lot. I asked him out, I texted him.

It also means I haven't been a good friend to another friend. You know, the person who I mentioned that I feel I am being a fake friend too? Yeah. I haven't been a good friend to them... They're amazing, but we aren't very aligned. It's not wrong for me to be misaligned... but I haven't been a good friend to them either. I understand that now...

Now that things are clearer, I realize the root of my confusion. I was confused what friends were meant to do for each other. At least, within my own definition. I didn't understand why my friend would disappear on me. I was worried I wasn't appealing enough as a friend. However, I learned that friends DO and SHOULD care for each other. At least for me, I want my friends to reassure me that I am needed, I am of value, and that they care for me and appreciate me. If they don't, I don't think I can see them as friends. This of course, is a double-edged sword. I too have difficulty appreciating people who appreciate me. Like my other friend F-chan, they are super nice and caring and we've revealed a lot about ourselves to each other. But somehow, I'm not at ease with them as much as I am with other.

I don't think I have to worry about that too much. I don't think it means we aren't incompatible. It just means it'll take a little more time than some other friends who I feel at ease with. After all, I've only known my friends for 3-4 months still. School just started back in September.

Friends should care for each other. I was confused because I was romantically interested in that other friend. So I wasn't sure where that boundary was of how much he should care back about me. And, I was afraid to label him as a bad guy. He's not. He's super sweet. We're just misaligned a little. What he does... or perhaps, doesn't do for me, says that he hasn't been a good friend too me. He's a friend, but not a good friend. Good friends should reassure each other, at least in my book.

I feel a lot less weight on my shoulders now... because I understand that it wasn't wrong of me to expect him to care for him. Because that's what friends do, right? People's emotions aren't your responsibility but... the moment you are in a relationship, like a friend or a family, I think it's important to look out for each other.

He didn't give me that. Maybe, someday, we will become better friends. But right now, I feel a lot lighter... because I'm no longer waiting for him to come see me. To be my friend again. I'm not scared or worried anymore. I'm okay with him now. Okay that he hasn't talked to me, asked me to hang out, or texted me. I'll shower him with love and make him feel good about himself when I see him. But when he's not around, I won't worry about how he feels about me.

I think I can let him go now.

January 30th

Attract like a Magnet I watch a lot of Psych2Go videos. I love their videos so much.

You know, in this video, (I hope it's this video... I tried finding it) they say that people with magnetic personalities are often in the present. I asked myself that. Am I in the present? I don't feel so. So, am I in the past? No, not really... but I don't feel like I'm in the future. So where am I?

...you know, now that I write this...

I think that it's not clear-cut as past, present, future. I think there are multiple stages or moods in "the present". For me, I would say... I feel like I'm underground, hidden in the dirt. Under the surface, in the eye of the storm, turmoil swirling around me although I am not in harm's way. I feel danger in any direction or step I walk.

Horoscopes scare me. But I think horoscopes aren't meant to be followed. I think they help you stay if you like where you stay, and change if you don't like what they tell you. They tell you your tendencies. And now that you know, you can change. So don't worry Kokoro. These aren't guidelines... these are patterns you can break. If you aren't happy with the tendencies, I think the horoscope is gifting you with a chance to change things. They want you to break the cycle. Especially if they use words like "sometimes" and "tend to"... that means you can change it, and you have a chance to make things the way you want to. Manifest. I hope this interpretation is okay, the one who sends me my fortune language.

January 29th

友達ってなんだろう。友達の定義ってなんだろう。仲良しの義務ってなんだろう。お互いのためにどこまでやるのが友達だろう?一緒に ごはんを食べれば友達?友達が悲しんでいたら支える…支えなければ友達じゃないのかも。 じゃあ僕が僕の友達を好きとするじゃん。僕はその人に告白をしました。フラれました。でもまだ友達じゃん?あいつもまだ友達って 言ってた。でも、全然かまってくれないしさ、なんか前以上に、友達じゃなくなった気がする。目を逸らしあってさ… なんか 悲しいんだ、僕らの関係が、遠くなった気がして…そう伝えたい。伝えたいけど… 恋人でもないその人にはさ、僕の気持ちを癒す 義務なんてないのかな。Does he have a responsibility in caring for my feelings?ない気がする。僕のことを思わせたい、思わせたい だけど、その子には僕の感情のことを考える義務はあるのだろうか?友達としてさ。 人によって友達は何か変わる気がする。だから、僕は… 思ってくださいって伝えたいなら伝える権利はあると思う。ただ、たださ、相手の、 友達の定義が違っていれば、相手は選ぶ。僕の友達をやめるか。 曖昧なんだよね… その子。「僕と時間を過ごすのは楽しい?」って聞いたら「楽しいよ。」って言う。でもあっちから誘うことも 少ないし、誘ったとしても、話す話題も少ないし、Awkward にご飯をむしゃむしゃ食べてるだけだ。なんで好きになったんだっけ?まあ それは、初めて会ったころは、あいつ、僕に興味を持ってくれたことが、うれしかったから。目が合う旅に、あいつ、眉毛をピンピン 立てて、面白いと思ったから。安心させてくれるオーラを愛したから。Judge せずに話を聞いてくれた、その態度が好きだから。

今は目を逸らすばかり。悔しい。悔しいんだ。あの頃はもっと仲良しだったって、振り返ってしまう。もう僕に興味がないのかな。 あの頃は、学校が始まったばっかだったから、友達作りに励んだだけで、特に誰でもよかったのかな。 いやだ。こんなネガティブな考え方をするのは。

誘われるチャンスをあげるべきなのかも。最初にメッセージを送るチャンスをあげるべきなのかも。 でもあっちから僕と遊びたいって、そういう気持ちあるかどうか、ないのか… 僕はもう二か月考え続けてる。これ以上考えても、もう答えなんか出ないよ。考えると、ただ、「勘変える」だけ。猫リセット、ズトマヨ。 だから…もう僕からできることは何もないと思う。 考えても、考えても、二人の間の関係は変わるわけじゃない。 I think it's time to let go. 僕はいつも通りに、好きだったころと同じ態度で近づけばいい。ハグとか、肩もみとか、"You look cute" って言うのとか。友達だから、言っていいと思う。言われるのが嫌だったり、触れるのが嫌だったら、教えてくれるって言ってた、二度も。 だから僕はそれを信用すればいい。アイツのことを、言葉を、信用すればいい。 「好き」の態度を、全部 platonic にするんだ。Platonic な行動として認める。そうすればいいんだ。 それ以外、僕は、何も考えなくていい。もう、その子が僕のことをどう思ってるとか、考えなくていい。

四週間待ったけど、メッセージは来ない… うん。それでもいい。アイツが行動すれば、行動する。しなければ、行動しない。それだけで、 問題はない。 悔しいけど、言ったでしょ?It's time to let them go... アイツが僕のことをどう思うのかは、あいつの仕事だ。もう、考えることで、 僕に出来ることじゃない。あとは、あいつに任せる。

もう、友達じゃなくても、大丈夫だよ。いやだ!!!友達でいたい!でもこんなに痛いんだよ?いたいのが痛いんだよ?ダジャレかよ! でも友達じゃなくてもいいって考えれば、痛くないかもしれない。

だから、せめて、せめて、神様、友達じゃなくていいって僕が受け入れることで、 また仲良しになれるように 見守ってください。。。


January 24th

I've grown so used to distracting myself on the computer. Every few seconds or so, I open a new tab to search up whatever thing to get my mind off stress. Homework, schoolwork, work... all of that has become associated with stress for me. I feel bad about making excuses to my teachers. I like their classes and all. But... I don't know. I've grown so accustomed to distracting myself. Music helps sometimes.

Can I say it?

I'll say it.

I think I got a habit of distracting myself because of my intrusive thoughts. Anything that requires concentration led me to think about the things I don't want to think about. Doom, doom doom. So schoolwork is hard for me, especially independent work.

I was probably a procrastinator since elementary school, before my OCD developed. But I used to be pretty ardent with my schoolwork, and I got good grades. It wasn't until like grade 10 I got an R in math. It used to be my best subject... and I couldn't really feel sad about it. I got 1s and 2s and 1- and Rs. When I got a 3 I was happy. When I got a 4- I was super super happy. Because I actually did the work! I studied! But when I got an R, I just felt... okay fine, I was sad, but not greiving. Just... I kind of expected that mark. I just felt like the situation was sad, almost ironic.

I honestly... don't know how to improve myself from here. I feel like I know the answer, but I'm also skeptical about it at the same time. I don't really think I can go cold turkey and immediately commit myself to focusing 100% of the time on schoolwork. In Japanese we have a word called 我慢, or Ga-man. It means to control yourself, to endure something that is kind of unbearable. Or, your parents might tell you to gaman when you really want a toy at the arcade, or you really need to go pee during a road trip, and the next washroom is 20km away.

The question is, how much gaman should I do? Until my heart bursts apart? Until I have to lie down and control my breathing? Self-care threads on Instagram tell me to go easy on myself. But how easy can I be on myself? So easy, so lax that I don't get any homework done at all? Being easy on myself also creates guilt in me for not getting my work done. But I'm stuck between trying to go easy on myself, to also urging myself to do schoolwork, as well as OCD telling me not to do schoolwork because... well, it's an obsession telling me that I'm going to have to face my obsessions and intrusive thoughts if I'm going to do schoolwork.

I want to be able to schoolwork without this much distress. I also feel guilt in asking for extension after extension for my schoolwork. My bad habit has become my normal, so I find that I'm not justified to find excuses. Maybe I have to remind myself that these bad habits are a result of my OCD. It's so much easier saying that I have a mental health condition that urges me to distract myself from concentrating tasks, than to say that I spent 2 hours watching a youtube video essay on Earthbound.

I can't exactly seem to pinpoint what exactly I need to do in order to heal from these bad habits. How can I gradually get myself to do my homework like everyone else when everything is due tomorrow, the day after, or next week?

...Well, not that I've written this out, I think it's worth trying to come up with a recovery plan on here. What I need to do is to be able to concentrate on homework without the urge to distract myself, as well as to get straight to it when I think about doing my homework. Well, it's not exactly possible for me to rewire my brain like that right away, I don't think.

Today, I kind of tried doing something. I was watching youtube, as usual, thinking in my head over and over again that I have to do my homework, but I'm scared to start on it. Because well, I don't really believe in myself that I can get it done. I don't want to disappoint myself...? Actually no, that's not the reason. I'm just plain scared of homework now. Anyway, so I told myself. Just try and READ the first question. And then, you can continue watching this youtube video. So I did that. I watched the youtube video for like, another 2-3 minutes. Then, I switched tabs to my homework. I read the question, out loud. Even that is a chore, you know? For me, it is. Lol, I am such a messed up kid. I am so messed up. I AM SO SO MESSED UP AND BROKEN like what I can't even read a single sentence without fearing for my life? My intrusive thoughts? WOw am I just a broken, miserable, useless mess compared to my friends? My friend whom I had a crush on seemingly prepares his notes for exam like 1-2 weeks before. I'm intimidated by that. That's FUDGING AMAZING. Good for him. Of course, if I told him this, that would probably hurt him. He told me has trouble motivating himself to wake up in the morning too. He's struggling with his own problems too, probably. So I'm just romanticizing him. He would look at me and say I'm amazing at drawing, or playing the piano, or dancing, all that stuff. Yes, I'm a creative buff. I'm so good at it. I am so creative and I love that about myself. Hey, let me be arrogant here. I don't get much opportunities to show off like this. I kinda deserve some self-respect and confidence. I learned to be confident about that, at least.

It's just the schoolwork I need to build on... my work ethics and habits.

I lost track of what I was writing about, haven't I? Let's go back a bit. I need to heal from these bad habits... pinpoint how to do that. Right. So I did the method of giving myself a super easy task and then rewarding myself for it by watching the youtube video. Well okay, I did that. Then, I was like, "you know, as much as my anxiety is screaming right now and I want to return to the safety of my youtube video, I want to finish the first question at least." So I somehow manage to finish the first question. AND YOU KNOW WHAT. I finished it, I'm pumped, I even want to mention that I did one question on my Instgram story. That's how broken I am. Finishing one question is such a feat! Look mom, I estimated the median of this graph! I found the mean to this number set! WOW I am amazing.

How long am I going to be stuck being amazed at the simple things everyone else can do? Everyone can do this stuff. Oh. Wow. That went dark fast. I'm sorry, I should have included a content-warning for internalized ableism. This is a vent now, isn't it? Hey. Listen to me. If you ever feel like a piece of trash for not being able to answer a question, or being happy for being able to answer a question on your mathwork sheet: Don't feel like a piece of trash! You're amazing! And besides, there are so many more qualities to you that are beautiful, trust me. For one, I'm so happy you came across this site. It took some left and rights and an adventure to arrive to this website, don't you think? You're curious. You're staying curious in your life, and man, that's something I don't want to lose in my adulthood. Stay curious. And you accomplished that. Good for you!

(I have a cold, I don't think it's COVID, but yeah, I've been blowing my nose for a week and it's starting to bleed.)

Anyway, the problem for me is... there's nothing wrong with not being able to do a thing many other people can do easily. It's awesome that I finished the first question! I even managed to hand in half the assignment on time. Yeah... just half. I'm considering to keep working on it tomorrow so I can hand it in and get a teensy higher mark on that statistics assignment, and get a late mark on it. It'll still be higher than whatever half I got... I'm bound to get some of them wrong, so maybe not even half.

Right. The problem for is, I don't feel like I'm recovering. I still have trouble doing assignments, and that has been the same through grade 9, 10, 11, 12, and first-year university. I haven't changed. I don't feel like I've progressed. And I don't know how to progress. I want to progress. I want to be able to hand my assignments on time. I want to be able to take notes in class without my OCD telling me to put my pencil down. How do I do that?

I think I need a really detailed recovery plan, a therapy plan. My journey mapped out on how to start doing my homework responsibly. The first few weeks will look something like. "Do the first question. Watch youtube. Do the second question. Watch Youtube. Do the third question, watch youtube. You get the idea. And then, the next week will be like. "Do two questions, watch youtube for 15 mintues." And in a few weeks it'll be like "Do 3 questions, watch youtube." And then 4 questions, youtube. Eventually, 5 questions and youtube. After 5 quesitons, it'll be like "do half the assignment, watch youtube" or if it's a short assignment, "do the whole assignment, and then watch youtube." It'll be a recovery plan like that, building my focus bit by bit.

Okay Kokoro, that's cool! So what do I need? Well, I think I'll need a big calendar, or like a journal with a whole checklist planned out. Each page will be dedicated to the completion of one assignment. It'll ask things like "how many questions are there to the assignment?" and then "how long do you think it will take to complete this assignment?" The first 20 or so pages of the notebook will have many rows in them. In each row you get to write something like, a fill in the blank, something like, "finish question 1!" and then the row under it says "take a break!" and you have to write what the break will look like. Each page will have a partner page where you assess how well you did. It'll be like "were you able to take breaks when you intended to?" "Where did you succeed?" "If you had a mishaps, what do you think caused it?" And then you can reflect and report on your behaviour, and eventually, in future pages, your improvement. Further in the notebook, there will be less rows, and you can write stuff like "finish 3 questions" and then the row below would be like, "take a break." Wouldn't a notebook like that be SOOOO cool? I'd like that actually. I should spend like 3 hours making one with the notebooks I already have. It's worth a shot.

Okay, today's entry was mega-long.

January 23rd

Good morning. Actually, it's like 2pm. Yesterday, I wanted to listen to music as I washed the dishes. It helps me not get anxious or have intrusive thoughts. But, a voice in my head says that someday, I have to move past having to listen to music. I believed that... (But, by the way I write this, I can tell I actually don't believe that BS. I think it's okay to listen to music if you need to. All sorts of people need different accommodations.) Anyway, I believed that I had to grow strong and... wait a minute. Grow "strong?" Is being able to wash the dishes without needing to listen to music "strong?" Maybe I'm still skeptical about what I need to do. Sigh. Isn't identifying that I do better when I can listen to music strength?"

I'm getting off topic. Gotta get back. I wanted to listen to music. But a voice told me that I shouldn't rely on music so much. Another voice said that it was okay, and I HAVE to practise being okay with listening to music. Another "have to." I know the voice was trying to help but... yeah. Anyway, I go up the stairs to my room to get my phone so I can listen to music. I got my phone. But do I start playing the song in my room? Should I wait until I go out into the hall? Should I press "play" on the stairs? Or when I reach the 1st floor? Or when I get to the kitchen? The voice I assume to be God says I can play it in my room. But then otter-kid, whose pixel art I drew that day, shakes his head. "No! Don't play it here, that's (dangerous)!" A voice tells me I have to overcome your fears. I groan... whose voice do I follow? I get frustrated and I press play when I exit my room. One foot in my room, another in the hallway. "NO!" Otter-kid screams. He covers his head. A trapdoor opens below him and he falls. I catch him by the ankle by summoning a rope. Was it even God I heard earlier? I don't know...

I try doing a whole lot of compulsions to undo the danger I put otter-kid in. Bring him up by the rope. But my hands keep slipping and he falls back down, the rope tightening as he jerks. I go to the first floor and try to lift him back up by jumping up and down. Luckily my parents aren't around to see me do all this stuff. They won't see what I'm seeing. Just me bending over trying to pull up "something," or jumping up and down to push up "something."

I run back upstairs. I've paused the music like a long time ago. Should I turn off my phone? Close the app? "No! Don't close the app!" The person who I assume to be Jesus says. When you have OCD, I don't know who I'm talking to in my head. Am I talking to God? How do I tell if this is an intrusive thought or the voice of God? Sometimes God takes many forms, sometimes he looks like my other Kokoro friends. And so many of my Kokoro friends have duplicates. They're like, look-alikes with different names. Otter-kid is still hanging upside-down by the rope. I close the app. Wait, why did I close the app? I don't know. My gut feeling says so? God frowns. Was that a bad idea? I don't know, I'm sorry. I turn on my phone and open the app. Wait. Where was I in my compulsions again? Do you ever get that? You're in the middle of a mental compulsion and the braing fog just consumes you, and you don't know if the danger has been averted or if you've finished a certain compulsion and you get anxious... who did I put in danger this time? So you have to dig into the fog, dig into the brain, dig into where you left off. Otter kid? Otter-kid? Are you okay? Yes. I'm fine, he says. He's still hanging by the rope by the ankle. Without much thought, I lower the volume of the song playing on my phone. Hitchcock. ヨルシカ。There! The lighting flashes through my brain. That's the escape route, that's the exit! I run for the exit. God smiles. There you go, that's the answer. Otte-kid, who had been squinting his eyes, opens them slowly. Am I safe? He asks. Yep. You're safe I said. The song continues to play from walking from my room, down the hallway, down the stairs, through the kitchen hallway and then to the kitchen. Turns out the "doom" was coming from Rule #1: Otter-kid needing to not hear the song upstairs, and Rule #2: I have to start playing the song before I reach leave the hallway near the room.

Or, that's what the solution my brain came up to was. My obsessions often have, undertermined compulsions. I know people have specific numbers and patterns they have to do, but mine aren't really set in stone. Or maybe they are, but I never had the energy to overcome the anxiety to investigate what patterns I have. They just pop in. And I have to test out/trial-and-error my compulsions until it feels "just right." I think a lot of people relate to that.

I think all of that took about 15 minutes? Maybe 10 minutes? These stuff happen about 2-3 times a day. It used to be like 4-5, maybe even 6. Compulsions used to take up to like, 1-2 hours of my day when I was in grade 10. So I've healed a lot. You're probaly still thinking I'm still pretty... yikes. Haha, I understand. If someone ever tells you they have OCD, don't respond with "yikes" though. That pains me. Say something like "I'm happy you got your diagnosis so you can come to understand yourself more." I like that. My friend told me that once, when I told her I had OCD on Instagram. Her reply filled me with so much relief and I felt so good to know her, be in a friendly relationship with her. The world felt more accepting and understanding. I don't know what kind of words you exchange with your friends, but... be nice to them, kay?

On some nights, I can't sleep right away because my head screams that there's someone in my stomach. Imagine if I told THAT to my psychologist lol. Content warning for the following paragraph for mention fake blood, a mock scenario of a emergency response scenario, and how that story directly got incorporated into my irrational fears. So, if you have OCD or anxiety and you think this story might become your OWN compulsions next, you should skip the next paragraph.

In grade 9, I attended this event organized by my school and a partner school called "Human library" or something. There was a webpage with a whole lot of profiles of different people with different experiences and careers, and you got to rank who you want to meet, and then if you're lucky they put you in a group of students who sat at a table and got to listen to that person talk about their life. One of the people I talked to was... an emergency response person?? Someone like that. They were talking about how one of the exams, like a school exam or apprenticeship exam I guess, was a mock emergency response. When she arrived to the "scene" there was a person all... well, content warning!!! I'll mention blood. Yeah. So this person was all bloodied up with fake blood, with a knife in their hand? Threatening to stab themselves because a voice in their head (the event person described it as "talking to aliens") telling them to open their stomach to remove the baby that was inside of her. Listening to all that, I was like. Wow, at least I'm not that mentally ill. Two years later I remember this moment, look down at my stomach, and I immediately regret it. Now I have irrational fears of my Kokoro friends being in my stomach. Which is why I have to mentally purify my foods before I eat them. My compulsions include doing a scooping motion in front of my stomach to try and scoop out whoever is in my stomach. Okay, that's the end of the content warning.

Today's journal entry was pretty long. I guess it was a huge info dump. Maybe I can call it a vent. Here, I'll finish with something happy... I'm listening to a song I haven't heard before I think, and I love it! AWWWW actually it's really really good!!!! AWWW I love this!! THIS IS GOOD WOW.

January 21st

I've healed a lot in the last few years. I've taken my medications, I've become more open about my disability, and I've found a community. Honestly, I don't know what's next for my healing...

Yesterday, I decided I want to heal. I want to heal so I can write stories onto the page without fearing for the characters, without hurting them. I want to heal so I don't victimize myself, so I can reflect when I read sensitive material without becoming anxious, mad, scared at the topics. Because I can't reflect like this. I can't reflect with all this fear inside of me. It only makes me anxious about important topics we need to be discussing about, and I pretend I'll be hurt by them. I'm afraid it will make me racist, sexist, ableist... I want to heal so I can reflect and learn healthily. And most of the time, I reflect and learn by writing out my thoughts. Because, I have too many thoughts to fit into my head... So I write them. But if my irrational fears tell me to put down my pencil or else a Kokoro friend drops to Hell, how will I reflect? It's very hard to reflect like that... so I choose to heal.

I'm afraid to lose parts of me. Who am I without my trauma? Who am I without my OCD? Do I lose my place in the disability community? I vented about this on Instagram before. My friend told me that if the disability community kicks me out, screw them. I have friends in this community. They'll know I have a place there. But what if I no longer identify as disabled? What happens to my sense of identity as someone in the disabled community? Will I look down on them? No, I don't think I'll ever look down on them. I know what it feels like to be disabled. To look at someone do something with ease, like writing notes, or playing video games without having to backtrack, backtrack, backtrack to do compulsions, or to daydream without having intrusive thoughts. I know how it feels to be there. So I won't look down at them. Then... what am I afraid of? Losing my empathy? No I won't lose my empathy and kindness. Then what am I afraid of? What am I afraid of? I don't know. Maybe there's nothing to be afraid of in healing...

January 12th

I want to be able to write without my OCD sending doom waves to the characters of the stories I tell. They get hurt. I don't want them to get hurt. My Kokoro friends, I don't want them to get hurt, but I'm afraid to write, because as soon as I start writing, I get intrusive thoughts... sending doom waves that put my friends in danger. They're safe. They're safe. Don't worry. I want to tell the story without being afraid...

January 11th

I find that I'm able to be more honest with myself when I'm less anxious. Meaning, my heart rate is pretty stable, and I able to tell what exactly I need in the moment. A lot of times I would sit in front of the computer needing to do school work or something else productive. But my anxiety and OCD tell me that I should... go on Anime News Network or something. Or I won't feel good. Or I won't be ready.

I realize that it's a coping mechanism. Clinging onto anything that I "think" might make me feel better, feel calmer. This has happened a lot of times. For example, it was around November of 2020 that my brain was about to explode from too much wanting of Pokemon cards. I was fixated that it was the perfect Christmas gift. But I knew that the moment I unwrapped that gift, I would feel guilt. I don't even like Pokemon cards that much, and I'll be stairing at all the opened card packs, imagining them floating in an ocean somewhere.

Another example is when I discorvered the lore of the Metroid series. It was super cool, super interesting. But I know I couldn't play them. After all, Samus Aran is just someone, as a certain twitter user states, a person who goes around killing innocent creatures and exploding planets due to politics. I can't handle that... I think I have hyper empathy after all. I almost impulsively bought Metroid: Zero Mission off a website, asking the dealer for the price, telling them I'd buy it. I had to message them later that I had challenges with impulsive buying, and asked to cancel the potential purchase.

So... I tend to latch onto anything that I feel will calm me down. I think I open new tabs on my computer about every minute when I need to be doing something else. Examples like "Pokemon" "Sword Art Online" "Iso Mitsuo" "Dennou Coil" "Anime News Network" "Anime Feminist" "Kimi no Na wa." I can type all of these with my eyes closed, probably. In 8th grade, I would sit in math class, imagining that in any given moment, during that class, when I felt a sudden ting in my chest for no reason, it was my psychic ability that I've telepathically learned that they've just announced a new season of Sword Art Online. When I later open a browser in the school library, I'd frown and think "I guess not this time".

So many coping methods. Today, I did "the thing" three times. Another coping method that feels good for a moment-- I cling onto that possibility. But after it's over, I feel more empty than before.

I want to be honest with myself. I want to be honest about what I need in the moment. And I'm best honest when I'm the most calm. I don't want to be the most calm after I've done "the thing"

I want to be calm whenever I want.

So you know, Kokoro, try different coping methods. You love Zutomayo right? Listen to their music, which drips with neurodivergence. Dance to their songs! You love to dance, don't you? And also, go on walks. For some reason, we feel better when we go on walks. Nature's magic is healing us. Why not connect with her? She'll make you feel better.

January 10th

Speaking of doom stickers, maybe I should talk about "doom waves" next. Also, the whole internet can see my dairy can't they? I wonder how I feel about that. I literally have like, diaries in 4 different places, and each one talk about different things. My mind has trouble thinking and sorting by itself... I like to use paper and pencil and drawing to sort the things out on my head. I kind of... think better when I write. Get the stuff out of my head.

I'm trying out notebooks again for class. 30 minutes. That's when the voice says "don't write." That's a pretty good record right? I managed to write for 30 minutes. Maybe next time, I can go for 35 minutes.

You know, 2 years ago, I talked to a psychologist. She told me that my OCD was "moderate" to "severe." If I told her everything, it might have been "severe." Or what if they know I'm holding back? So it's rounded up maybe. Who knows.

January 8th

I propose an idea. I'm going to call an aspect of my OCD "doom tags." Doom tags are when I have an intrusive thought about doom, like going to hell, or one of my Kokoro friends dying, or them going to hell. When I brush those thoughts out of my mind, I sweep out these dooming thoughts, and they become tags. These tags stick onto my surroudings like stubborn stickers. For example, onto a light switch.

Just now, I had an intrusive thought about a Kokoro friend going to Hell. Clarification, they are safe. They are not going to Hell. But anyway, that Doom tag then stuck onto the chocolate covered raisins I was eating. Therefore, I have to stop eating. If I eat the chocolate covered raisin, my friend will drop to Hell. That's how logic is set up in my mind, got it?

And, it's also not as easy as "okay, I'll stop eating." Because in the next moment, the chocolate covered raisins are calling out to me saying that I HAVE to eat another piece, or someone else will die, or go to Hell. Now, I have two conflicting obsessions; one tells me to do something, the other telling me not to do that something. I am stuck there, not knowing what to do. I call this "OCD limbo." If that term offends anyone, please let me know. I don't know how to set up a comment section yet though.

When this happens, I usually have to find a way around one of the obessions. Find a loophole, or make a new rule. For example, in order to solve the chocolate covered raisin problem, I would probably put the raisin on the counter, and pray the doom tag away. Then, I can eat it... and none of my friends will go to Hell, or be doomed, or die.

A different example would be, let's say, the doom tag lands onto the light switch in my bedroom. I tell myself I can't turn it off when I'm leaving my bedroom, but at the same time Mother Nature pleads me to turn it off to conserve energy. Is it Mother Nature or me talking? I don't know. Regardless, I make a new rule. I'm allowed to turn it off, as long as I don't use my hands. Get it? Someday, I want to animate a scene like that. Me, or a character, bending their leg above their head, to turn off a light switch with their toes. I don't get enough representation in the media, so I might as well do it myself.

Oh, but you know what, Bruno from Encanto, who knocks on wood, throws salt, crosses his fingers and "I don't go near those [cracks]" is super OCD-coded and I love that. I'm here for it.

Maybe I should call them "doom stickers" instead, since they stick really stubbornly and their hard to peel off.

January 7th

I watched Encanto! Surface Pressure and Waiting on a Miracle are such vulnerable songs... it's not about empowerment, but honest, heart-to heart vulnerability. And I love that. There is so much healing in this movie. I think I'm pretty lucky that my mom, who is Japanese, isn't as strict as other Asian parents. Because... I think the movie really reflects intergenerational trauma and putting so much expectations on their kids. A lot of immigrated families are like that. The parents themselves are so afraid of failure as well. Maybe my family is different because my mother is an immigrant, but my father is not... therefore, my family is a lot more priveliged than other immigrated families. My dad has a well-paying job that can be done remotely. If I had two Asian parents, I think the story would be a lot different. If my dad made the same amount as my mom, I don't think our family will be financially stable...

Anyway, I think this movie is super important.

January 2nd

AHHHHHHH I am so stuck all over the place. I keep coming back to video games because I'm afraid to do anything else. I'm not too anxious since it's the holidays and I don't have that much work to do... but I want to write, draw, do creative stuff... not this much video games.